Sunday 1:00
Jaguars @ Tennessee(-3)
Look, the Titans are horrible right now. The Texans freaking shut them out. Have you seen how bad the Texans defense is? If they shut you out, your offense sucks monkey balls. Absolute gift, take these points.
Redskins @ New Jersey Giants(-7)
I think the Giants win, but with both Steve Smith and Hakeem Nicks out, I don’t see the Giants being able to throw much. On the other hand, the Redskins are awful and seem to be getting worse, and the Giants managed to beat Jacksonville by 4, and the Jags are actually decent. Yeah, OK, give the points.
Browns @ Miami(-5)
Wow, the Dophins are 7-4 against the spread. Apparently the Browns plan to start Delhomme, even though McCoy is clearly the future there and actually seems to be playing better. Give the points.
Bears @ Detroit(+5)
I really, really want to pick the Lions here, but I just cannot bring myself to be that stupid. You’d sort of think the madman Mike Martz would not be the guy to straighten out head case Cutler, but the Bears haven’t been turning it over lately and the Lions… are still the Lions. Gotta go with the Bears here.
Broncos @ Kansas City(-9)
That’s a tidy pile of points, especially considering what happened the last time these two teams met. Oh, right, that was in Denver. It’s payback time for the Chefs, apparently. Still, that’s a pretty big number for what seems likely to be a shootout. Well, at least the Broncos don’t seem to be able to stop anybody, and they have been putting up points. Yeah, too many points… I’ll take the Broncos, but I’d really like that tenth point, just in case.
Niners @ Green Bay(-9.5)
See, now here I have no trouble giving a big number. The Packers are good, need to win to keep in the playoff hunt, and Frank Gore is out for the Niners. Blowout city.
Bills @ Minnesota(-5)
Excuse me? Exactly how many times have the Bills been blown out this season? None? Is there any reason whatsoever, especially since AP is hurt? No way, always take the points with the Bills if it’s more than a FG, especially when the opponent is as crappy as the Vikings.
Saints @ Cincinnati(+7)
New Orleans appears to be back to their “lighting it up” ways. Too bad for the Bengals, who don’t seem likely to stop them.
Sunday ~4:10
Raiders @ San Diego(-13)
Wow, look at Vegas, just daring us to take the Chargers. You know, normally I’d shy away from this, but the Chargers in the second half of the season, and at home… should be a rout. Give the points.
Falcons @ Tampa(+3)
I have to say, the Bucs are one of the biggest surprises of the season. That said, the Falcons are playing with purpose right now, and I don’t think they’ll let Tampa spoil any of it, now matter how improved they are.
Panthers @ Seattle(-4.5)
Man, who knows? More importantly, who cares? I mean seriously, other than like 20 people in Carolina and the people actually in the stadium in Seattle, who’s watching this game? Oh, right, the 5-6 Seabags are in first place in their division. How messed up is that? Fine, give the points.
Cowboys @ Indianapolis(-5.5)
Man, I wish people would stop slurping Manning. Now that he has no running game and a bunch of no-name receivers, he looks… average. Certainly not as good as Brady has looked when’s he’s had no running game and a bunch of no-name receivers. Manning’s career playoff record? 9-9, including six one-and-dones. Yeah, yeah, he has lots of other gaudy stats and will be a first-ballot hall of famer, but he’s not in the top five, and maybe not even the top ten, QBs of all time. Oh, right, the game. Now, the Colts probably still win this game, but I’m taking the points and hoping to see Mr. Average throw a few more picks.
Rams @ Arizona(+3.5)
That Niners-Cardinals game last week was one of the worst pro football games I’ve ever seen. Arizona is so bad it’s painful. Rams all the way.
SNF
Steelers @ Baltimore(-3)
I always love these games, because there’s a reasonable chance someone leaves the field in a body bag. They should be forced to play this game without kickers or punters—must go for it on every 4th down. How awesome would that be? Anyway, Pittsburgh has owned this one lately, but it seems to me the Steelers don’t have it in the bag. I think it’ll depend a lot on how well Big Ben is actually able to move, because I think the Ravens are going to bring the house at him. If he can’t move well, he’s going to get beat up and Ed Reed will probably run one back. If he’s actually OK, though, this will be a close one. But the spread is small enough that I’ll take the chance Ben is hurt, and I’ll go with the Ravens.
MNF
Jets @ New England(-3.5)
I want no part of this game. If this were real money involved, I wouldn’t get near this game with a 10-foot pole. I figure that the Jets are just about as likely to win as the Pats, so I will take the points since I have zero idea who’s really going to win this game.